Talking to myself…and still on the struggle bus.

Hi.  Last time I blogged, it was for my five month post-weight loss surgery update.  I was on the struggle bus then…and I am still on it.  And until today, I was really, really letting myself get down about my slow progress.  I decided to change my tune and sing a different song.

The last part of August and into mid-September was a really difficult time for me.  I found it difficult to stay on track because I let myself derail from the track.  I have never once gotten sick from food, and am able to eat most things.  I feel fortunate that I have not had anything bad happen, especially when I read about VSG folks who can no longer tolerate specific foods.  BUT- just because I CAN eat them does not mean I SHOULD.  I struggle with carbs.  Most days I keep them under/about 50 grams per day.  But admittedly, there are days when I eat more.  Not by a huge amount, but more than 50.  I also struggle with portion sizes.  I can eat a 1/2 cup of food or more now.  That might be normal for some, but most folks can’t eat that much at the six month stage from what I am gathering.  Add these struggles to a TERRIBLE mistake I made at work that caused a downward spiral into a hole of sadness and frustration and what did I make?  I big ole-heaping-helping of cry-baby-pie.

Pie is not on my diet.  So I am not eating it anymore.  Like ever. Thankfully, the issue I caused at work can be rectified.  I wore the guilt around me like a ball and chain.  I cried for days.  But, being the awesome employer that I have- they knew it was just a mistake and wasn’t characteristic of my typical work.

But damn, those weeks were awful.  And the scale showed it, too.  Right before I left for vacation September 10th, I had gained about 5 pounds due to the bad eating and drinking choices for those 2 weeks.  I was so busy trying find/fix the issue that I was working 12+ hours a day and not exercising.  Exercise for me is like medicine.  I took the medicine away temporarily and my body reacted.

When I came back from my wonderful, much needed beach vacation, I was certain I’d have a higher gain, but actually weighed a pound less.  I’m still trying to get to the weight I was in August and get my butt back on track.  I don’t feel good.  This is not me.  I can do better and I will do better.

I am going into my office tomorrow, so I have to wear business appropriate attire.  Since I work from home a lot, my wardrobe is usually shorts and a t-shirt.  Tonight I tried on some clothes I recently purchased to make sure I had something appropriate to wear into the office.  I came across the black pants you see in the picture below.  Those are the pants I wore last March prior to surgery.  I put them on just for giggles and giggle I did!  I will not badger myself anymore about this slow loss.  50-ish pound loss is slow for a VSG-er but it’s what it is for ME.  I know I will lose more.  I just have to refocus and get at it.  I have about 30 to go.  It is PROGRESS. It is not the finished product and I need to stop telling myself that I suck because I am losing so slowly.

This is a terrible picture.  I had just come back from a walk.  I wasn’t exactly photo-ready.  Instead I was a hot mess and asked my husband to take this picture.

The next time I get down on myself, I need to look at this again.  Size 22 pants on a now 14/16 size me.  And I am not done.

fullsizerender

I got this.  And if you are struggling with your weight loss and beating yourself up about it, STOP it.  NOW.  It is counter-productive and it steals the joy you’re allowed to have. Talk to yourself like someone you love.  Give yourself a pat on the back, but also kick your own ass if you must to get it in gear.  That’s my focus.

Thanks for reading.  I will check in again soon, I promise ❤

DMG

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